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Grits 101

Our Extension Agent friend Bill McCaleb this week shared the following informative piece on Grits. A check online shows GRITS 101 was posted by Thomas Dzomba on the Gluten Free/Casein Free Living website.

We hope all our Grit loving readers out there enjoy reading this tongue-in-cheek piece entitled GRITS 101.

 

Grits 101

Nobody knows for sure, but some folks (perhaps Yankees) believe Grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them.

Many people feel that Grits are made from ground up bits of white corn.  These are obviously lies spread by Communists and terrorists.  Nothing as good as Grits can be made from corn. 

The most recent research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits.  Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt and red-eye gravy raining down from the sky and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.

 

How Grits are formed

Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure.  It takes over 1,000 years to form a single Grit.  Most of the world’s Grits mines are in the South and are guarded day and night by armed guards and pit bulls.  Harvesting Grits is a dangerous occupation, and many Grits miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question).

Yankees have attempted to create synthetic Grits.  They call it Cream of Wheat.  As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer’s Glue and shredded styrofoam.  These synthetic Grits also have been shown to cause nausea and may leave you unable to have children.

 

Historical Grits

As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of Grits was by the ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert.  After that, Grits were not heard from for another 1,000 years.  Experts feel that Grits were used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies and were kept from the public due to their rarity. 

The next mention of Grits was found among the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman’s personal diary.  The woman’s name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima to her friends . . .)

 

The 10 Commandments of Grits

I.    Thou shall not put syrup on thy Grits.

II.   Thou shall not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife.

III.  Thou shall not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy.

IV.  Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s Grits.

V.  Thou shall use only salt, butter and red-eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits.

VI.  Thou shall not eat instant Grits.

VII.  Thou shall not put margarine on thy Grits.

VIII. Thou shall not put ketchup on thy Grits.

IX. Thou shall not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch.

X. Thou shall eat Grits on the Sabbath for this is Manna from Heaven.

 

How to cook Grits

For one serving of Grits:

Boil 1 1/2 cups of water with salt and a little butter (use milk and . . . they are creamier)

Add 5 Tbsp. of Grits

Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water

When a pencil stuck into the Grits stands alone, they are done

That’s all there is to cooking Grits.

 

How to make red-eye gravy

Fry salt-cured country ham in a cast-iron pan.  Remove the ham when done, and add coffee to the pan and simmer for several minutes.  Great on Grits and biscuits.

 

How to eat Grits

Immediately after removing your Grits from the stovetop, add a generous portion of butter or red-eye gravy (WARNING:  DO NOT use low-fat butter).  The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow (hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter).

In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red-eye gravy on your Grits.  Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits.  Never, ever substitute canned or store-bought biscuits for the real thing because they cause cancer, rotten teeth and impotence. 

Next, add salt.  NOTICE:  The correct ratio of Grits to Salt is 10:1; therefore, for every 10 Grits, you should have one grain of salt.  

Now begin eating your Grits.  Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat grits.  Your Grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.

The correct beverages to serve with Grits are black coffee and Bloody Marys.  

DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, skim milk.   

Your Grits should never be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think it is Cream of Wheat.

 

Ways to eat leftover Grits

(Leftover Grits are extremely rare)

Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish.

Cover and place them in refrigerator overnight.

The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass.

Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2” of cooling oil and butter until they turn a golden brown.

Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this way; this, of course, is unacceptable.

 

Blessing before eating Grits

May the Lord bless these Grits,

May no Yankee ever get the recipe,

May I eat Grits every day while living, and may I die while eating Grits.  

Amen.

 

•••

Another loss

For the second time in just a little over three months, the Halifax County Sheriff’s Office has suffered the loss of a veteran law enforcement officer.

Major Larry Wayne Fears Sr. passed away of natural causes Friday afternoon.

A humble community servant, Larry served for 35 years under six sheriffs and will be greatly missed by all who knew him.

Perhaps Former Sheriff Jeff Oakes said it best when he described his friend as “beloved.”

“The one word that describes Major Larry Fears, particularly within the law enforcement community, is beloved. Larry was the most honorable man I have ever had the pleasure of knowing in my career in law enforcement,” Jeff said. 

“The gold badge he so proudly wore on his chest signified his devotion to the community as well as to the men and women who worked alongside him for nearly 40 years.

“Larry was a mentor, counselor and confidant, but most of all beloved friend to so many who have passed through the doors of the sheriffs office over the years.”

Larry went home Friday to be with his wife, Mary, who died a year ago on April 8.

We extend our heartfelt sympathy to his son, Larry Jr., his grandchildren and other family and friends.