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When meals attack

Reader’s Digest released a list of the worst foods you can eat, and gee, what a shock, I’ve “enjoyed” them all in the past several days.

Just think, folks, I should be a walking depository of carcinogens and chemicals if the solons at the “Digest” are to be believed.

Number one on their list is processed meat, such as the hot dog I consumed while covering Friday night’s girls basketball game.

Number two on the list are frozen meals, such as the microwavable one I had to eat in short order because I have little time — or patience — to cook.

My co-workers and I had a craving Friday morning for — you guessed it — doughnuts, so off I went to buy a dozen of the sugary snacks, ranked third on the list of worst foods.

I munched a bunch of potato chips last week, and that comes in at number four on the list of worst foods. Low-fat foods are number five on the list of worst foods, while margarine comes in at number six.

Responding to that listing, someone commented on the Reader’s Digest website that not long ago health experts were saying that butter could kill you.

That old reliable, soda pop, was listed as the seventh worst food, which isn’t surprising considering I drank one right before seeing all of this.

According to the Reader’s Digest list, I’m at greater risk for colon cancer, an abundance of trans fat and who knows what other ailments.

I guess that glowing report from my doctor after my annual physical in September should be taken with a grain of salt, but wait a minute, too much of that can be bad for you as well.

On the other hand, Reader’s Digest released a list of five feared foods that aren’t that bad, including processed cheese (yeh, boy, I love cheese).

Also on the list are foods containing omega-3 fats, whatever that is, and artificial flavors.

Artificial flavors such as coconut and strawberry could be made more cheaply and safely in a laboratory setting, according to the list.

More surprisingly still, sugar comes in at number four on the list of feared foods that aren’t that bad, with Reader’s Digest saying the body responds to natural sugar by secreting insulin, telling your body that sugar has been consumed.

That natural strawberry flavor we all seem to love could be made from a “natural” bacterial protein, according to Reader’s Digest.

Finally, that bane of master chefs everywhere, the microwave, has been showed to preserve up to 80 percent of the vitamin C contained in broccoli when cooked with that method.

Goes to show you what’s good for the goose isn’t necessarily good for the gander.

I’m quite certain eating right isn’t as complicated as these studies have made it out to be, and this is the time for New Year’s resolutions.

One of mine is to take all these dietary recommendations with my previously mentioned grain of salt and take everything in moderation.

Warning, reading this column could be harmful to your health.